Day Twenty-Three

Today I was kicked out of the program.

I am still baffled. I went in to see my psychologist and told her about my severe anxiety from yesterday. I cried a few times. I wanted to process it but she just kept steering me towards leaving. I think they were too scared of my anxiety? Or they didn’t want me to affect the other people in the program? I still don’t understand why. They told me they thought it was best that I left the program, that it wasn’t a program for anxiety but for functionality and they couldn’t really help me. They told me they had to look out for the other people in the program, as if my anxiety was dangerous to them somehow.

My psychologist wouldn’t let me see the other people in the program until I had “calmed down.” I eventually connected with them at lunch and told them what happened, but now I am at home and it’s the middle of the day and I am afraid of being alone. Being dropped from the program feels like the worst thing that could’ve happened. I don’t understand why I couldn’t participate in some way the rest of this week.

I feel disappointed, hurt, and angry–on top of all the fear I was already feeling. I did not know if I was too open about my anxiety, or that if things got too difficult, that they would shut the door on me.

My psychologist agreed to see me tomorrow, but I’m not allowed to participate in anything else.

This feels awful. This was not how I wanted to end the program.

I feel completely alone here now. I will just try to be gentle with myself the rest of this week until I cool off. This is one of the most difficult days of my whole life. I will try to be kind to myself. I have a proven record of success with pacing walking and with the zoo trip with my wife and child, and I have many more tools than when I came into this program. I wasn’t entirely understood, and the program and I both made mistakes, and the way it’s ending is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. But I know there is a way through this, and I will find it.

I will learn from every fall. And I will keep posting every day until I find my way out.

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