Day Nine

Another day finished. Today was a real challenge.

My psychologist is really focused on my sitting tolerance, and the catastrophizing and avoidance patterns I have around it. I am listening to what everyone says but it’s exhausting. I am getting different suggestions from everyone, and feeling conflicted about how to follow my own sense of the best approach for me while also being open to other peoples’ advice.

I had a panic attack during the last period today.

Last week felt like the honeymoon week. But this week, the sh** is hitting the fan.

It’s so hard when I get angry at my health care providers. I want them to give me reasons to trust them, and sometimes they don’t, and I feel unsafe, and I get angry at them for not making me feel safe, and angry at myself for needing other people to make me feel safe. It’s a big spiral.

I am scared of what I know is happening to me. Of what stress does to a body and mind, of the avoidance and catastrophizing that I know makes it worse but that I can’t help sometimes. I don’t like it when my health care providers point out these obvious but scary things to me.

But today is over. Please God, help me find the right path. I am trying.

 

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