Today was rough.
I had no plans, and a flare-up in my neck and knee last night had me feeling fear this morning, and I just ran away from it. Too flared up to leave the apartment, and too bummed out about the flare-up to use my time alone in any useful, empowering ways. These days happen from time to time, but they take me lower than they used to.
Sometimes I can be with the fear or depression or difficult emotion, but sometimes my will to see clearly leaves me and I just mope around, listening to TV and passing the time. And the feeling of avoiding a difficult emotion leaves me very drained.
Then I just want to be more alone so I don’t share this difficulty with anyone else. So I isolate even more.
I can see this process happen so clearly, but sometimes I feel just powerless to avoid it.
I will try to be kind to myself and move on from here. Habits are hard to change.